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Today I woke up after being in a dream state for pretty long.

I literally lived the moments I saw in my dream.
The airport journey.
My relatives ignoring me.
The racist behavior of some passengers.
And then I finally woke up.

I didn’t feel very good that day but I did feel very strange indeed.

It surprised me tremendously because here I was — a 40 year old man living in Thailand as Freelancer & Industry Expert, a man who had a successful career and a loving family supporting him all the way and a baby on the way… Yet my dream still seemed to bother me. That too with regards to silly issues like:

  • What others thought about me
  • Earning my parents approval
  • Being judged
  • The uncertainty of life
  • Not having money

I thought about it and wondered, why at the age of 40, even after achieving all this success, even after achieving so much and evolving so much, I was still having such strong emotions about trivial issues — Issues I once dealt with as a child.

I realized that no matter how matter how hard we try, no matter how much we think we change, no matter how much we think we have evolved, we cannot forget our past, we cannot let go of our past and most importantly, we cannot discount on the importance of our past. And by the past I am including everything from the memories, the moments and the events to very important aspects like our upbringing, our value systems and our belief systems.

And deep down whether we admit it or not, there is the automatic behavior and the automatic response which we will always have to deal with, especially when we are not being made aware of it.

To me, it was very surprising how intense & emotional the dream was, especially since all these things which disturbed me in my dream, were issues I would laugh about today. Simply because these were issues that bothered me as a child.

Its amazing how much impact our childhood, our values, our belief systems and our upbringing has on us and our lives. And I hope as a soon-to-be father, I do my bit in ensuring I do not repeat the sins of my past.

Loy Machedo

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