Ask anyone and you will get advice like
- “Relationships must be nurtured”
- “Never give up on someone you love”
- “Everyone should be given a second chance”
- “Love overcomes all obstacles”
- “Blood is thicker than water”
I’m sure these are well intentioned pieces of advice and nuggets of wisdom that have been passed on from the ages. However, I in my limited, aggressive yet logical mind beg to differ from these theories.
Because, according to the “The Loy Machedo’s Rules of Relationships” (there is no such book but if there was one that compiled my advice — it would have this title):
- Relationships should be nurtured but only those that deserve to be nurtured.
- You shouldn’t give up on someone who doesn’t give up on you. Having a one-sided relationship never makes sense.
- Giving someone a second chance? Think about it. Can you change someone’s character?
- Love overcomes all obstacles? Really? Do we even need to discuss this?
- Blood due to its chemical composition is thicker than water. However, just as you can get blood transplant from any other person — this quote doesn’t mean anything.
Look, I know I am being rude and obnoxious here, but there is an element of truth in what I am saying.
- If someone truly did love you — they wouldn’t have cheated you the first place.
- If someone truly had their values, their priorities and their core in place, they would never betray you
- Love cannot overcome unemployment, bad character, the crimes, the murders and the problems of our planet. In fact, love will not even pay your electricity, water, school or other expenses. And here’s a clue — why do you think so many relationships break up? (Clue: Money problems)
- With regards to nurturing relationships — if someone is truly not interested in you — is it any point in nurturing them or the relationships? And lets assume someone disrespects you, takes you for granted and treats you like sh*t — then what? Should you continue being their doormat?
- And finally — consider this, whom do we end up getting betrayed by? The ones we hate? The one’s we do not connect with? Or the ones we truly trust, love and believe in?
In all the years of playing around, experimenting, being with women and after my official ‘retirement’ of being a playboy, to then being a Coach, I have witnessed an alternative choice and logical stance. One that is cold-blooded, very analytical and business like. It stems from the baseline that you have to prove yourself each and every step of the way. So if you have shown me you love me yesterday, well, you need to prove it to me you love me today. And after today is over, you need to do the same thing tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and after tomorrow.
Its more like this process never ends.
Oh and its not just one sided, the other party has to do the same as well. And so there is no such concept as “Blind Faith” or “Blindly trusting”. In a world where emotions can influence a person in more ways than you can imagine — it is important to trust but verify always.
So now, what is it that I recommend?
Here are my thoughts:
- Every single day you and your partner have to prove it to each other through actions NOT JUST WORDS that both of you love each other.
- Love is not just all about romance, sweet words, great memories and pleasure inducing actions. It is the boring, monotonous, everyday grind and sacrifice of doing things for each other
- A relationship should exist more like a jig-saw puzzle. Where your weak points, strengths, behaviors and patterns match or are tolerated by the other person. And if in case, they don’t — then the relationship shouldn’t happen at all.
- Every phase of a person’s life the person changes. So the possibility and the probability of the relationship changing also remains very strong. The person you thought you were will change with time and along with that preferences, personalities, wants, drives, desires, likes & dislikes will also change.
- Finally, the biggest question among them all — you have only one life — just one. Are you going to live that one life accepting what you thought was right for you 10 years or 20 years ago — if you do not feel that sense of connection, chemistry and communication you once felt?
I know relationships should not be taken lightly. And I can tell you without a doubt that I do not take my relationship with my 4th wife lightly. However, for me to reach this point of maturity, balance, happiness, joy and completeness took a long time, long long long time. And during those years of growing up, I made a lot of choices, tons of mistakes and even more changes. But at no point in my life did I have any regrets — the reason being, I did what I felt was right.
Yes, I was absolutely selfish, self-centered and self-loving to the point I did use some people, I did step over many of them and I lied to very few of them. I wish life was perfect, I was sinless and that I didn’t have an evil bone in my body. However, I had my selfish ideals, private yet sinister agendas and my goals to achieve. And I didn’t want to make or give any excuses. So I did whatever I had to do to achieve my goals and be happy.
Yes, there are times I wish I didn’t have to hurt certain people. But then when push came to shove, I did whatever I needed to do to stay afloat and stay the course.
But here let me tell you something shocking.
The girls I preferred when I was 11, changed when I was 21, changed when I was 31. And today at the age of 41, the person whom I am absolutely happy with someone totally different. And when I look back at my life, I am personally shocked at my choices of the past. And I am absolutely glad I am NOT with those women I once was.
In fact, I have let my partner know this — each and everyday we have to ‘earn’ our love for each other. Because any day we take the either for granted, that is where the relationship will start going downhill. Because in today’s socially interconnected world — anything can happen. And if you are desirable, successful and rich — multiply the desire for the Forbidden Fruit a hundred fold.
However, lets assume you STILL do not agree with me for reasons whatsoever. Then, I want you to do me a favor. Go and visit the men, the women and the families who for no fault of their own met someone so sick, so sinister and so sadistic but whose only agenda was to cause harm. And no, there are not far and few. The only reason you may not be aware of such individuals because you do not meet such people frequently. I do. After all it isn’t the healthy and happy who come to me. It is those who have Deep, Dark and Dangerous secrets that approach me when all other options have run out.
And if you STILL feel that such imperfections are rare — I want you to check how many people get divorced and what the reasons are. And then I want you to ask yourself WHY is divorce the highest it has ever been?
Is it because people are totally and completely transparent with each other? Or is it because what needs to be told is not being communicated? What needs to be shown, is not being revealed? And what needs to be dealt with is being ignored? Ignored, Hidden and Not Communicated to the point it explodes and get exposed to the world?
In a world where people like to be politically correct, fair, honest, righteous, good and happy, we still have devilish imperfection, dark realities and dirty secrets — simply because that is how we are — different from each other. Where you may not have any dirty secret to share, your personality may be as pleasing as the taste of vinegar or your values maybe good enough only for you and your little world. But one thing is for sure — they are not universal and accepted by all. And given that we have 7 Billion people on this planet with 7 Billion unique Personalities, Values, Likes & Dislikes — I would say we will never have a common ground or a perfectly perfect partner.
So until that difference and unpredictable variety exists, I think it would suffice to say — not all relationships are meant to last forever, not every promise is meant to be honored and not every partnership is meant to be kept intact. I for one promote self-love first and then selfless love later because how you can you love and respect someone else if you do not love and respect yourself first?
So that is why I think relationships — specifically the ones that are bad or going bad must be dealt with immediately. And just as you wouldn’t keep a rotten apple with good apples, or allow a dead body part to be left attached to a healthy body, or tolerate a virus to grow inside a healthy body, there are some relationships that must be broken off immediately.
Like I always tell my clients — be clear about your values, be sure about your core and be completely aware of who you are. Because if that is not crystal clear — then “Houston, we have a problem”